How To Keep A Vampire At Bay
Important steps in avoiding unpleasantness in the future
1. Rub windows, doors, keyholes, chimneys and pets with garlic.
2. Do not invite alluring strangers in, no matter how attractive, well dressed and/or buxom they are
3. Strew thorns, poppy seeds, grains of salt, or grains of rice on the floor; a vampire will be compelled to count every thorn, seed or grain. This method also works with books left open; Vampires are also voracious readers (please, no Anne Rice, perhaps some Keats)
4. Fill all holes by the grave of a vampire with water
5. Tell your friend to get a life or get a therapist, you’re here to drink
6. Find a black dog and paint an extra pair of eyes on its forehead
7. Keep a knife made of silver and a crucifix under your pillow
8. Be prepared for the worst; have a full spectrum light bulb installed in your desk lamp
9. If out of doors run as fast as you can making sure to leap over moving water
10. The last, most simple method – if your boyfriend doesn’t read books or wear a condom, don’t fuck him.